The 'Bhatair' Effect

Chicken Angaaraa slid down my esophagus and made it's place in my
stomach, leaving space for something else to fit in. I looked at Sid. He looked at me.'Aur kya mangaate hai???'I asked him. We were at Memonwada, with the solitary intention of swallowing as
much as we could and whatever we could.It's reputation for mughlai cuisines
had dragged us into it's crammed lanes.And now we were at a open air dining
hall outside a 86.13 Sq.ft. shop, deciding upon what to be ordered next
after trying three delicacies. We looked at the waiter-cum owner-cum friend-cum philosopher-cum
guide.'Aur kya kya hai',I asked him. He presented me with a unending list ranging from china to Punjab
to Afghanistan to Iran to Hyderabad...most of which we had tried someday or
other before.'Ekdum alag kya hai',Sid Asked.'Alag mein.....Bhatair try karenge???''Bhat..?' Mahesh Bhat, Pooja Bhat, Vikram Bhat,Mukesh Bhat...'Bhatair ''Woh kya hai???'curiosity puked out of Sid's oral cavity.'Bhatair sir...Quail.' He pointed at an aluminium cage full of cute little birds. One of
those which u could gift to ur girlfriend to woo her.One of those who you
would gift ur nephew to talk with. One of those that a hindi film actress
in a film a decade or two ago, would confess her love affair to.Had a girl
accompanied me instead of Sid, She would've surely
exclaimed...'ooooooooh...how cute!!!' 'Haan...ek lanaa' Instead we exclaimed instantly without a second thought. 'Kaisa laau??'He asked'Fry,Gravy ya Tandoori''Tandoori....Kya re??'I looked to Sid for consent.'Haan haan...Tandoori'Sid answered readily. As the attendent left, I started staring at the cage to look at
which one of the lot was being selected for us. They sat in the cage like disciplined kids in a classroom with
their small innocent faces, staring at the world with lot of interest and
curiosity.A birdie u would readily fall into love with.Like me.A sudden
retaliation hit me.I hated myself for ordering that bird.How could I be so
brutal.How could I eat something so...so...so...feeble,so helpless,so
lovely.How could I do it.I was a devil.I thought how similarly
chickens,goats, lambs must be lovely creatures before eating them...or
cooking them...or killing them.What a sin I had been doing all this years.I
begged to god for forgiveness.'Kitna time lag raha hai re....main khaane ke liye tadap raha hoon'Sid
said.'Fuck u!!!!'I said to him within the constraints of my thought'u
bastard...I hate u'.Then my mind said to me that the thought that had
striked me hadn't striken him.He ws still what I had been a minute ago.He
too needed that vision for a realisation like me.But what if he never had
any.Then I needed to tell him what I thought at this moment about consuming
that and like him beings.I turned to him.I opened my mouth to utter my
first word..... And the Tandoori Bhatair arrived.I was too sure I was not going to
eat it.I was a vegetarian from a moment ago. No more non-vegetarian food
for me for the rest of my life,If the little pleasure for my tongue was
going to snatch the right of life from some living creature. Sorry Sid u
have to eat it alone. he tore the first chunk of the roasted flesh from the bird and put
it into his mouth.'Ummmm....maaki...Kya sex bomb cheez hai yar hai...jaldi le.' I sat frozen.I couldn't say a word. I felt like crying for the bird
that lay died and roasted on the plate. Bird which was well alive few
minutes ago. A bird which could have been living had I not said yes to the
attndent.'Le re Gandu...Solid hai ekdum'Sid persuaded. I forcefully raised my hand.I took my hand to the plate. My hand
shivered. I hadn't been doing this. I don't know why I was doing It. i
pulled out a chunk and kept it on my tongue.Tears gathered in my eyes.And
next moment the chunk spread it's taste in my mouth. The perfectly roasted
meat melted on my tongue and my tongue involuntarily pushed it to my
molars, premolars and other grinders in my mouth.Every crunch and juice
squeezed out of the piece.I kept chewing till I lost it into nowhere inside
the vacuum of my digestive track. I pulled out a bigger chunk next time and gobbled it,then another
one..then another one...competing with Sid to finish it. And I said to myself.'Fuck u....This is awesome....vegetariansim sucks if I am gonna loose this'

Pray and Pay...Pay and Pray...what would u like to subscribe???

I stood facing the old priest of the offering altar after exiting the main temple of Khandoba. For sure he had called me.With a concerned look of an familiar elderly,he warned me that my pilgrimage would be incomplete without praying at the offering altar.

Well I was a no pilgrim nor did i have any problem if my religious excursion did remain incomplete.But the stone idol at the edge of the altar was worth a photograph.

He asked me to sit down on my haunches. And I did.He looked me into eye and recited a long miss match rhymed prayer and ended it with a command pointing at the large brass plate.

"Khandobachya naavane ghaal paachshe yek yaa taatat"'In the name of Khandoba place five hundred and one rupees on this platter'
'why?'I asked
'For the blessing'He replied.'...So that you don't go unblessed from this temple'

I didn't have that much money.I mentioned my broked state to him.I had no intention of being blessed. Even if I had any...
'Then place hundred and one',he presented me with an option.

He was indirectly assuring me that he was thinking about the haversack on my back was containing bundles of US Dollars which I had brought along after striking an arms deal with President George W. Bush and was on my way to the Prime Ministers office to jot down the order for thirty Sukhois or Migs and carried intention of distributing some of those bundles amongst the patrons of the shrine.I smiled cynically and said I didn't have even that much.I was sure from his expressions that his next lines would be 'Go and sit with the beggers along the steps of the temple then'.

But he turned out to be more courteous and regretfully uttered 'Give then whatever you have' I pulled out twenty one rupees from my odd jeans pocket and placed it on the plate.

'no...at least hundred and one'he said.

I told him that it was all I could shell out as i required some dough for my return journey. He scornfully picked it up and put it in his pouch muttering, "Tumchi marji".Remorsefully.'Your wish'.

I left my wish as it was on the plate and stood up. If had lacked the very shame, I would've picked up that too and put it into my pocket. Episode finish. Back to my work. I moved to the stone idol and take picture of it on my camera. Another old priest put his turmeric clad hand on the lens while I was adjusting the frame.

'Did u make the offering???'He asked

'Yes'I replied.

'When?'

'Just now'

'I didn't see u' he said.

'I just did at that priest', I said pointing at the priest who had driven me into offering moments ago.

'He's a bogus...u should come to me...i m the officially appointed one...u'll get
official blessings here and not at him.'

'I didn't know that.'

'Then would u like an official offering now???'

'No...I did it once...it's okay'

'Then no photograph....Khandoba isn't a free God...God and his blessings
aren't free of cost.'

'I m sorry...I didn't know', I uttered apologetically and left. But I really didn't know. I didn't know that God and his blessings aren't free of cost. I didn't know that if u didn't pay u didn't get
blessed. Now i know...Why i've got so many KTs to clear....no payment to God.That's it.

I scored damn less in HSC....yes...Not because I spent time watching movies n chasing girls...because I didn't put a few notes in God's Charity box...

Charity Box...For God..What r u thinking???...Yes... of course God needs charity....what do u think he is???...Why will he bless u if u dont please him by being charitable???...Very bad.

And last time a girl rejected me...i know the reason why now...It's not that I was too much of physically interested in her and was all I thought about and she too had a clear idea about it....but it was that I hadn't paid for the maha 'pooja'...

And i m currently jobless is not because I don't possess a skillset but because I didn't buy a reciept for 'abhishekam'...

Shit!!...what had I been thinking all the time!!...That blessings come free n all...oh no...how wrong I was!!!

Next time I visit a holy place...I'll fill my haversack with money instead of clothes....I'll beg,borrow or steal it if I won't have that much...After all it's worth as an investment.

Come on...we r gonna buy God's blessings..not a childs play...stable than the share makets, secure than mutual funds plus no jhanjhats...go to god...pray for what u want...and pay for ur wishes...and then wait...and one fine day..hallelujah...ur wish comes true... but how much for each wish...I m sure God doesn't accept gross payments...after all...he's a hard core businessman....But how much does he charge for a single wish???...Pakka there must be a rate card...different
rates for different wishes...depending upon their magnitude and the level of difficulty involved....

Like If u want a child..Pay Rs.1000...If u want a boy child...pay Rs.1500...come on bringing XY chromosomes together isn't an easy task....every wish..different price....more the wishes..more the discount u get...U also have subscription...would u like to subscribe??? Diwali and New Year discounts will also be given. Pay and Pray scheme is also available for those who want to pay
first and pray later...later when???..whenever...maybe..never.Why do u want to pray when u've already paid???Silly Questions. Why is it that God's name isn't there in Fortune Five hundred Rich Personalities. He has so much money coming in...that too without much investments.Total profits...Harvards and IIMs need to have a case study on him...Maybe he's gaining business that's why.

'Hello...we r calling up from heaven...do u have any wish??'Voice says on phones at utmost ridiculous time of the day...when u r in the loo or something like that.

'Our company 'God and followers' would like to enroll u in our new program 'Next Moment'..... in this u make a wish and u will find it fulfilled iat the very next moment...so sir would u like to join in???....Don't worry about the price sir...we also have payment by installments facility...and in case if u want a loan...we have collabrated with so-and-so bank to provide u with easy loans'...

'superb...how generous of u God...u r providing me with a loan to fulfill my wish',u say and start sobbing.

'God listens to u when u pray with all ur heart' they say. But years along they've been dropping the later part...all lot of the clergymen in the medivial europe,vedic India and other 'religion forming' timeslots....(Dan Brown..I'm providing u with a topic I suppose....Sorry for
swaying away)...The later part..yes...is....'and if u pay with all ur pocket'....there's no doubt about my dad's perception that I am a useless-good for nothing-Idiot. But the newly learnt fact has given me a chance to prove the same about my dad. Once me n my dad went to a temple and I started crying,shouting,banging my head, throwing tantrums for I wanted a one rupee
coin. Dad asked me why did I want it???...and I replied I had to give it to the
god like everybody else.And dad had said....

'What can u give to the one who gives us all'

You were wrong dad...and u gave me ur wrong thought in inheritance.

(And for those who are athiests...There's no god at all.)

Drowned in Fire

I took a matchstick in my hand
and lit Iqbal's tommorow.
Then I touched it to Rafik's life...
and it went crackling
bursting, blazing with Zaaheer, Junaid, Mahmood
and many others in a row...

A sparkler I lit from a candle
and sparks of Naseer from it rained .
Whizzed a firewheel or zameen chakri
when Maqsood's life did end.

The sky filled up with golden colours
as Imtiaz's lungs choked
And loud explosions froze hearts for a second
after Akbar's sprout of blood on a packet of 'Volcano'es soaked.

The flower pot reached unattained heights
because I thrust gunpowder up Altaf's nose.
Lost was the school of Mohammad Kasim in it
when the smoke from the snake pellets rose.

With content utmost I looked around
to see the the festive glory.
And saw many children jump in pool of fire
to never return to tell their story.....

Dedicated to the child labourers in Sivakasi making crackers for other children of same age as of theirs to enjoy.

Burn The Ravan today but...

Dusshera's back. After a year. Last day of Navaratri(more profusely an extension of it.) The ceremony of celebrating the victory of Maryadapurushottam Ram over the Non Maryada Man Ravan.
Today is the day to abuse the rascal. The villian. The Inhuman. The devil.The..... whoever. The day to burn him to ashes and rejoice...
But rejoice for what????
When I was a kid...my Aaji(Granny for non-maharashtrians) told me that Dusshera was a celebration for the defeat of the Evil over the Good.
Well...Defeat???
Wher's it???
I don't see it anywhere.
Is the Evil defeated????
Well..why didn't anybody inform me about it???
Or maybe I am a bit ignorant about my surroundings.
Or is it that I've damaged eyesight.
I can see riots. I can see bomb blasts. I can see discriminations made among humans, every day more intrinsicly. I can see corruptions. I can see female feoticides. I can see hatred all over. I can see families breaking. I can see all the signs of evil everywhere.
Maybe I am pschiezofrenic or pneumonic or whatever they call the disease Russel Crowe and Amitabh Bachchan suffered from in A Beautiful Mind and Aankhein.
I can see things which do not exist.
I can see even more things.
I can see everybody around involved in those evils.
My dad, my mom, my sis, my granny, my friends, my teachers, my relatives, my leaders, my idols.everybody...even me to a great extent. I can see everybody being a part of it.
And in my Pshceizophrenia or whatever...i can see people celebrating the defeat of evil of which they are a part of...
They laugh, sing, scream, shout and do whatever they can to prove that they've won....
And in this disease of mine...I would like to say....
The only sin Ravan did was he fell for Sita and abducted her....never touched her even.(I've read Ramayan.Mind it)
Rest he was a genuine Rakshas King who was rightful,just, learned, brave and a great ruler. Lover of his people.
And I am sure....If these people were in his place they would have not only abducted Sita but raped her on the way,would've never taken her home and then killed her to protect their public images....don't believe me read Newspaper everyday....or may be even that's a result of my mental illness.
So my co existents.....Burn the Ravan only if you are a Maryadapurushottam.For only he has right to kill a man that great. Got It???!!
Oops!!...I am sorry. I am toh mentally ill. How can I preach superlatives like you????
All you are such high esteemed individuals.
Sorry guys..forget all I said. And forgive me.
Go out and celebrate...it's festival time.